Maya Coleman Front cover.jpg

EPISODE RELEASED 1st APRIL 2022

HOW WILL OUR KIDS GROW UP DIFFERENTLY IF PARENTS AND CARERS EMPLOY CONNECTION PSYCHOLOGY?

 

In this episode we look at an alternative child psychology approach to parenting and care-giving, than perhaps the one we’re used to from our own childhoods: one based on connection rather than threat based motivations. This episode is a little closer to home than usual, as a few years ago we hit the wall with our eldest boy, who after the birth of our second child when he was 6, became extremely aggressive and uncontrollable. This led us to try Hand in Hand parenting, and we got an improvement of wellbeing and behaviour within just 2 weeks!

 

We were scheduled to be speaking with the founder, child psychologist Patty Wipfler. Patty sent her apologies as sadly her health had taken a turn, but what a silver lining as Patty sent us Hand in Hand’s program director and Clinical psychologist Dr. Maya Coleman Ph.D. Since 2007 she has been providing trauma treatment for children and support for parents. She spent 3 years at the Children’s National Medical Center giving behavioural and developmental consultancy, and last year joined Hand in Hand as program director.

 

00:00 Short intro

04:31 The need for science based paediatric mental health interventions

13:36 Parent-child mutual connectedness for healthy emotional development

16:00 A child’s sense of safety and attachment theory

18:50 Learning and healing only possible in a state of safety

19:30 Traumatic experiences block learning both physically and mentally.

20:00 A trauma informed perspective

27:00 Release of emotion only when connected, emotionally regulated care is present

27:00 Crying is an opportunity to clear and reset their emergency/threat system

27:30 The presence of a carer can, at first, increase the emotional as they release tension and fear

29:00 First offload fear, only then the learning from the experience is activated

31:00 Offloading often happens later when the parent takes back the child

32:00 An inherent emotional rebalancing and healing system

32:40 Children’s fear of care givers themselves

34:00 Misunderstanding of the function of emotion in the older generation

36:00 Triggers are the residue of earlier experiences

38:25 THE 5 HAND IN HAND PARENTING TOOLS EXPLAINED

39:20 SPECIAL TIME EXPLAINED - building connection

43:45 STAY LISTENING EXPLAINED - holding a regulated space for big emotions

55:00 SETTING LIMITS EXPLAINED - Listen, limit, listen

01:05:00 Regulation and body language, instead of tagging and shaming

01:09:40 PLAY LISTENING EXPLAINED

01:13:45 Laughter as an inbuilt releasing mechanism

01:18:00 LISTENING PARTNERSHIPS EXPLAINED

01:21:00 Parents too get triggered and go off track

01:28:35 You can heal betrayed trust with kids

01:32:40 Need for more research into the benefits of listening

01:35:30 Memories and a corrective associative adjustment

01:38:15 Heal parenting, heal the world

01:42:00 Learning what fear looks like when it comes out naturally

 

References:

Attachment theory

Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) Study

5 Listening tools for parents

Hand in Hand Parenting you tube channel

More videos with Patty introducing the tools

Patty Wipfler and Tosha Schore Book “Listen: Five simple tools to meet your Everyday Parenting Challenges”

Listening partnership video

‘The neuroscience of enduring change’ Richard D. Lane and Lynn Nadel

‘Birthing a new world’ parenting blog, Roma Norris