EPISODE RELEASED 1st APRIL 2022
HOW WILL OUR KIDS GROW UP DIFFERENTLY IF PARENTS AND CARERS EMPLOY CONNECTION PSYCHOLOGY?
In this episode we look at an alternative child psychology approach to parenting and care-giving, than perhaps the one we’re used to from our own childhoods: one based on connection rather than threat based motivations. This episode is a little closer to home than usual, as a few years ago we hit the wall with our eldest boy, who after the birth of our second child when he was 6, became extremely aggressive and uncontrollable. This led us to try Hand in Hand parenting, and we got an improvement of wellbeing and behaviour within just 2 weeks!
We were scheduled to be speaking with the founder, child psychologist Patty Wipfler. Patty sent her apologies as sadly her health had taken a turn, but what a silver lining as Patty sent us Hand in Hand’s program director and Clinical psychologist Dr. Maya Coleman Ph.D. Since 2007 she has been providing trauma treatment for children and support for parents. She spent 3 years at the Children’s National Medical Center giving behavioural and developmental consultancy, and last year joined Hand in Hand as program director.
00:00 Short intro
04:31 The need for science based paediatric mental health interventions
13:36 Parent-child mutual connectedness for healthy emotional development
16:00 A child’s sense of safety and attachment theory
18:50 Learning and healing only possible in a state of safety
19:30 Traumatic experiences block learning both physically and mentally.
20:00 A trauma informed perspective
27:00 Release of emotion only when connected, emotionally regulated care is present
27:00 Crying is an opportunity to clear and reset their emergency/threat system
27:30 The presence of a carer can, at first, increase the emotional as they release tension and fear
29:00 First offload fear, only then the learning from the experience is activated
31:00 Offloading often happens later when the parent takes back the child
32:00 An inherent emotional rebalancing and healing system
32:40 Children’s fear of care givers themselves
34:00 Misunderstanding of the function of emotion in the older generation
36:00 Triggers are the residue of earlier experiences
38:25 THE 5 HAND IN HAND PARENTING TOOLS EXPLAINED
39:20 SPECIAL TIME EXPLAINED - building connection
43:45 STAY LISTENING EXPLAINED - holding a regulated space for big emotions
55:00 SETTING LIMITS EXPLAINED - Listen, limit, listen
01:05:00 Regulation and body language, instead of tagging and shaming
01:09:40 PLAY LISTENING EXPLAINED
01:13:45 Laughter as an inbuilt releasing mechanism
01:18:00 LISTENING PARTNERSHIPS EXPLAINED
01:21:00 Parents too get triggered and go off track
01:28:35 You can heal betrayed trust with kids
01:32:40 Need for more research into the benefits of listening
01:35:30 Memories and a corrective associative adjustment
01:38:15 Heal parenting, heal the world
01:42:00 Learning what fear looks like when it comes out naturally
References:
Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) Study
Hand in Hand Parenting you tube channel
More videos with Patty introducing the tools
‘The neuroscience of enduring change’ Richard D. Lane and Lynn Nadel
‘Birthing a new world’ parenting blog, Roma Norris